fatesfolly | Grief Can'ts

There are certain things I cannot do since John died. Some things are known upfront; others hit my like a ton of bricks.

On the bright (?) side, there have been many surprising cans: I sold his guns tout de suite. I sold his truck to a friend so it's still kinda in the family. I dated and had sex, but my heart still belongs to John. I moved to NC. I quiet quit my job and then was fired and have been living off savings. I'm seeing a therapist I love so much that I want to find another one to be this one's friend.

Here are the can'ts

Known:
-Watch the two home improvement shows we watched when he was in hospice that he remarked that the couples who were the hosts reminded him of us. And I love those shows!

-Unpack his travel messenger bag that had everything that I'd always forget. It's orange and ugly and beautiful all at the same time. When we met, he used a fanny pack for travel that I somehow wrestled out of his possession over time and this large orange messenger bag was the compromise. It's upstairs in a closet and when I go in the closet, I warily spy it like a worthy adversary.

One oddly surprising can't:

-I was watching a movie or show last week where the actor was receiving chemo. The setting was so much like the one where John had received his that it took me back to those days where dread and hope mixed like a cocktail of bile and Pepto. Tears immediately fell.

I still miss him to my core. I switched to an iphone in December and it has an uncanny way of featuring photos of John from my camera roll that I forget about. I click on the picture to find out when it was taken and enlarge it to try to remember where we were or what we were feeling when the photo was taken. This activity turns into a rabbit hole that takes at least a half hour... all from one stupid beautiful photo.

Oh, and the guy I dated/am dating? He's fallen head over heels and I started feeling suffocated. I've always wanted to try to remain friends with exes and my gentle rebuffs are not being heard or fully understood. Thankfully, he lives on the other side of NC and I can get the distance that I need sometimes, but I do think I'm going to have to eventually break his heart.