fatesfolly | I have a daughter

I never wanted kids. Being the baby in a small family, I wasn't exposed to children and I grew up in a world surrounded by adults. As a teenager in a small town, the only real way to make any money was to babysit and I did so begrudgingly. I hated entertaining little people until bedtime or naptime and I felt like the hours before the golden hour of when they would sleep were endless torture. When I started dating my first husband, Lee, I made it clear I did not want kids. Somehow, the fact I wanted an abortion when I found myself pregnant was morally repugnant to him. Nevermind it was pre-marital sex that got us in that pickle!

Somewhere along the way, I came up with the fantastical notion that I wanted to adopt a child when they were 18, given them my name, send them to college, and call them my own. No diapers, runny noses, skinned knees, puberty behavior, or temper tantrums. Sure, it was expensive to send a practical stranger to college, but when did I not spend money?

When I met John, he was the first man I dated who had a child I'd have to meet and interact with. It scared me and it was a source of worry for a while. Ironically, she was 18 at the time and in her first month of her freshman year at college. Her name was Sarah and the fears I had of her being fiercely protective of her father and distrustful of me disappeared the Saturday I met her. She was wonderfully open and welcoming of me. At some point during that first meeting (which was about to weeks after we first started dating), she asked him if I was someone special and he told her I was!

In those early years, Sarah was a lot like I had been and I made the mistake of thinking she'd be like me as she grew. Parents may make this same mistake-- I don't know-- but it has been the source of my greatest frustration until I realized she will be who she is to be. She was shy and awkward. She tended toward the arts. She liked painting and drawing. She liked to travel. She was a big girl and had brown hair the color mine used to be. We would go for pedicures together and the techs would ask if we were mother and daughter. I would be secretly proud of the comment until she would tell them no.

Ah, yes, she still had a mother... John's first wife, Kate. And before I got too carried away with any ideas that Sarah would ever be mine, John would subtly remind me when he'd talk about "his" daughter. As time went on, Sarah and I did things together and I helped to pay her way through undergrad and grad school. I put the bulk of a down payment down on he first new car. She'd call me for advice, whispered secrets to me, and told me things she did not want her dad to know. But always, he'd say "my" daughter.

Sure, I missed the first 18 years of her life, but I've been a steady part of her next 14 years... and more, God willing.

Moving to Morehead after John died has me meeting more people. It's been lonely realizing that all of my direct blood relatives have passed away and I'm the last of the Mohicans. And a question that often pops up is "do you have any children?" At first, I'd say no, but then I realized a fact: I have a daughter. She is my beneficiary in my will. She is the one I think of all the time. She is my connection to John. She loves me and calls me her bonus mom now. And dammit, I have a daughter!