Motivation ebbing
Jul. 15th, 2004 02:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
fatesfollyI had mixed feelings about the timing of the spa...
I certainly needed the pampering, but it was kind of frivolous and it came at a time when I was determined to get the house clean and organized. It's not like I could have cancelled it and no one I know would have paid me the price I paid to go in my place, so I went anyway.
I've always tended to be a little more emotional right before my period and I try to think that that is the reason I'm so down now. My brother warned me I'd go through some depression after losing the job, but I didn't expect this.
I feel lousy. I'm dealing with some very harsh worthlessness feelings... moreso than usual. I feel lost and confused. The bedroom and the bathrooms last week were obvious choices for my clean-up projects, but this week, I don't know really where to start. I was bouyed early on when I returned from the mountains by the sell of my audiobooks on ebay, but after doing some research, the rest of this shit I want to sell isn't moving in other's auctions on ebay.
And the money thing bothers me. I know I have savings and other supplies of money, but not having a paycheck bothers me more than I thought it would. And little reports I get out of where I was indicate people don't miss me at all back at the church. I had two parishioners call, wanting to express their sympathy, but that's it. And the publication that went to press the day after I left that I had worked hard on, mysteriously is now missing my name as one of the editors. I never resigned. I never wrote a letter. Yes, I left, and in doing so, gave my consent to their "deal," but they're telling everyone that I resigned. This upsets me because it looks like it was my choice. No one knows of their bullying.
Maybe I'm just sensitive to it, but I've had more than the usual share of people ask me what I do for a living. The people on the neighboring blanket at the Jimmy Buffet concert asked, the other guests at the spa asked, even this lady I bought some Pampered Chef stuff from wanted to know what I did. To simply say, "I don't work" sounds lame and misses something.
I'm just in a funk. And I see no end in sight. I piddle in the house these days and get some things done, but no real progress is seen. I'm still doing this low carb thing, but when I went to a store in Raleigh on the way home, nothing fit. I don't want "just a job" now, but then again, I don't know what I want.
I feel lost and lonely. And just about everything makes me cry.
I certainly needed the pampering, but it was kind of frivolous and it came at a time when I was determined to get the house clean and organized. It's not like I could have cancelled it and no one I know would have paid me the price I paid to go in my place, so I went anyway.
I've always tended to be a little more emotional right before my period and I try to think that that is the reason I'm so down now. My brother warned me I'd go through some depression after losing the job, but I didn't expect this.
I feel lousy. I'm dealing with some very harsh worthlessness feelings... moreso than usual. I feel lost and confused. The bedroom and the bathrooms last week were obvious choices for my clean-up projects, but this week, I don't know really where to start. I was bouyed early on when I returned from the mountains by the sell of my audiobooks on ebay, but after doing some research, the rest of this shit I want to sell isn't moving in other's auctions on ebay.
And the money thing bothers me. I know I have savings and other supplies of money, but not having a paycheck bothers me more than I thought it would. And little reports I get out of where I was indicate people don't miss me at all back at the church. I had two parishioners call, wanting to express their sympathy, but that's it. And the publication that went to press the day after I left that I had worked hard on, mysteriously is now missing my name as one of the editors. I never resigned. I never wrote a letter. Yes, I left, and in doing so, gave my consent to their "deal," but they're telling everyone that I resigned. This upsets me because it looks like it was my choice. No one knows of their bullying.
Maybe I'm just sensitive to it, but I've had more than the usual share of people ask me what I do for a living. The people on the neighboring blanket at the Jimmy Buffet concert asked, the other guests at the spa asked, even this lady I bought some Pampered Chef stuff from wanted to know what I did. To simply say, "I don't work" sounds lame and misses something.
I'm just in a funk. And I see no end in sight. I piddle in the house these days and get some things done, but no real progress is seen. I'm still doing this low carb thing, but when I went to a store in Raleigh on the way home, nothing fit. I don't want "just a job" now, but then again, I don't know what I want.
I feel lost and lonely. And just about everything makes me cry.
