knowledge is power

[fatesfolly]

The day before Granny dies, the new doctor, Dr. John, said they had seen polyps on the CT Scan they had done in the Emergency Room. The did the CT scan because they originally thought she had an abdominal aortic aneurysm but the CT scan was negative for that. Her abdomen was fully distended and the fluid was increasing. They doubted she'd live through the night. I asked if we could have an autopsy performed and I knew when I asked, Le my brother, would be apprehensive about such measures. He's funny about the integrity of the body and he did not want her "messed with" after death.

Granny is my only living maternal relative left. I already am sketchy about my medical history since all of my doctors from my youth have retired or moved on. I don't know when I had the chicken pox for example, but I think I had them. The same goes with other diseases and even genetically passed down ailments. All I really have is what I remember. If my grandmother had cancer, where was it? Where did it start? Was I a genetic carrier of the same propensity to have it? I wanted to know like no other thing before.

Also, finding out your grandmother has cancer the day before she dies is daunting. Why was it missed by her largely inept doctors? How long had she had it and was it the source of her recent pain and suffering. I also wanted proof that her doctors were inept at diagnosis.

After Granny died, Le sent me home shortly after to get some sleep. I had not slept all night and it had been a long one. He said he'd sign the papers and settle all of the affairs with the hospital. Apparently, however, the autopsy paper was not as it needed to be. He specified on the consent form that he did not want her body splayed open or butterflied or disfigured. I received a call early yesterday morning from the lab, asking how they were to perform the autopsy if they were not allowed to open her up. I gave them permission to do so, but they called back, stating they needed the permission of the person who had originally signed the consent... my brother. I gave them his number and they called. I knew he'd be mad. When I saw him a couple of hours later, he was not in a great mood and I figured he was pissed about the paperwork snafu but he did not mention anything.

The doctor called me this morning with the preliminary results of the autopsy. She had a late stage Pancreatic Cancer that had spread to her liver. I asked the doctor if she were 30 years younger, would it have been treatable. He said no. I asked how they missed it and he answered that pancreatic cancer is one of the hardest to diagnose because of the location. I asked if it was painful and he said it was one of the more painful cancers. I asked it it was the source of her pain in the last 6-9 months and he said yes. I asked if it was genetically possible for me to inherit this and he said that pancreatic cancer is not one of the more common genetically passed cancers like ovarian or breast.

I got my answers. I called Le to tell him. As soon as I told him that I had talked to Dr. John, he interrupted me saying "nooo" and I asked what he meant. He said "I do not want to know what the autopsy revealed." He then asked, "was it what you thought?" and I said a simple yes. His anger at me and at the fact she was opened up and somehow ruined the integrity of her body over-rode his need for information. Also in doing this, it was like he was punishing me for now having the information. Like a cancer itself, he was forcing me to live with the knowledge I wanted so badly.